A Curiously Creepy Fellow

During a routine examination of the blog, it has become apparent that Fellow Bechelli has a considerably greater number of profile hits than the other three fellows, which seems to suggest that either his creepiness is drastically higher than the other fellows or that he clicks his own profile obsessively. Regardless of the actual primary cause, creepiness within the Fellowship is on the rise.

FoF to launch News REAL

Today's Headlines:

O'Reilly threatens to shoot down young, newly independent lobbyist romantically linked to struggling presidential candidate.

...or something to that effect.

Time: An Exposé

In light of this evening’s lack thereof, the Fellowship would like to take a moment to illuminate one of the most pressing and vexing issues of our day: time. Armed with little more than transparency, fellowship and sugar-free caramel coffee Werthers, my implormentation began with a dissent into the depths of a hellish abyss. There, in that tunnel of timelessness, awaiting my fate and the blue line in a urine potpourri, I was struck by a moment of unparalleled clarity cleverly disguised as an allusion to an illusion to the Einstein’s ethereal remains. A glimpse into the fourth dimension. Despite vehement disbelief, ridicule, and persecution (by a non-believer who shall not be named but whose name rhymes with Schlomas) I stand by my revelation – some minutes are way longer than others. Archives recently released to the public confirm my inkling. Not only is time relative, and subjective, but Einstein even said so - a lot (relatively). Stumbling upon the very theory that reveals the potentials for time travel, while time seems to have stopped, waiting for the metro to transport me faster than time permits, beneath the city that really loves timeliness – Coincidence? I think not.

A New World Economy

A recent item in the New York Times brings to light an important issue the Fellowship feels the time is right to address. The woman featured, Nancy Nipples, has clearly found her true calling as a dairy saleswoman.

As this country dips into a recession, it has become clear to the Fellowship that the market economy has simply failed. Yes, listen closely, Adam Smith was wrong.

But we fear that so is everyone else. And so we believe that Ms. Nipples is paving the way to the future. A balanced economy is one in which every person fulfills the task meant for them by their name.

No longer will Ms. Smith waste her time educating Kindergarten classes at Oak Park Elementary school in Rhode Island. Nay, Ms. Smith will become a blacksmith who will build tools for Mr. Carpenter to convert that school into an oak park, which will be easily serviced by the dozens of new roads covering the island.

The taxi driver who dropped the Fellowship home last night (after a top-secret classified strategy session) named Mr. Walker will certainly be looking for a more appropriate job.

And certainly no one can doubt that legend Tiger Woods wouldn’t be more suited to a career tracking the great felines through the Siberian forests.

The sooner the world embraces our natural economic system, the better off we will be.

SURNAMES OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

A Guide to Being a Young Fellow in the City of Fellows

Young Fellows in the city face an enormity of decisions that shall significantly and seriously impact and determine the course of a fellow's future. Acknowledging this ultimate truth and reality brings many young Fellows immense anxieties, uncertainties, and other quandaries. Young Fellows devote countless long hours at their places of interning and fellowing in hopes of advancing and promoting not only their futures, but also their position and place in the humanity of Fellowship, Fellowing, and the American Way. This endless dedication often tears Fellows from activities common and prevalent in the lives of other young adult of the same age (who lack the exposure, dedication, and gift of enlightened path of Fellowship), such as cultivating, emotional, mental, and physical relationships with the converse gender, connecting with the surrounding community, and exploring the intricate dominion of the gastronomic, communiqué, and visual arts. To many outsiders, the vow of Fellowship may seem overbearing in the sacrifices of these common pleasures, and the argument may be posed that perhaps these rigorous demands should not be stipulated of such young Fellows altogether. As a young, conflicted, confused, anxious, deprived, apprehensive, and curious Fellow myself, it is my unyielding aspiration to offer fellow young Fellows a message of hope of perseverance. Our forfeitures during this developing and budding phase of our fellowing shall not go unnoticed and unrewarded. While outsiders may assert that prescribing the philosophy of Fellowship may inhibit the progression of socially adept and balanced young adults, our early enthusiasm and keenness to the Fellowship shall yield momentous rewards in the future.

The Fellowship and Dark Chocolate

During my time as both an intern and a fellow in this fine town of Washington D.C., I have had both the honor and pleasure to be exposed to a multitude of experiences and relationships that are entirely new-fangled to the capacities of my intricate and complex psyche. I consider myself deeply blessed with the bequest of Fellowship and the grand discoveries it incessantly presents. It is through the art of fellowing and cultivating Fellowship that I have divulged into the world that is <77% cacao, or ravishingly mysterious and sensual dark chocolate. Prior to my delivery into the Fellowship, I was naïve to the vigorous, vital, and vivacious realm of dark chocolate. In response to the February 13 article in the New York times: while milk chocolate may possess the capability to facilitate sensual and explicit recollections of childhood memories, the sensory and pleasure –filled possibilities of dark chocolate perpetrate not only the mind, but also the innermost working of an individual’s emotions , essence, and spirit.

Google is Broken

The Fellowship reports that the search giant Google, Inc. appears to be broken. In a recent test of search engine reliability, the Fellowship found that Google, long accepted as the learders in internet search technology, to be severly lacking. Specifically, the following search failed to locate the target web-page:

"In response to the lack of blog posts by Fellows Kohnke and Mellow, Fellows Bechelli and Thomas have staged a walkout. They will refuse to update the blog until their fellows fulfill their sacred duty and do their part to maintain the high standards of the blog."

Wait, wait, breaking news:

In a recent retest, Google received a passing grade. Well, um, carry on.

Blog

Blog.

Fellows Stage Walk Out

In response to the lack of blog posts by Fellows Kohnke and Mellow, Fellows Bechelli and Thomas have staged a walkout. They will refuse to update the blog until their fellows fulfill their sacred duty and do their part to maintain the high standards of the blog. I hope to write to you soon...but I fear the worst.

Commentary: The Marines in Berkeley

A great hubabaloo has been made recently about the presence of the Marine Recruiting Center in the city of Berkeley. Berkeley, long a bastion of free-speech and liberal tendencies, seems to be against letting the Marines recruit there.

This is a very troubling issue for the Fellowship. On the one hand, we are for free and restricted speech. On the other hand, we feel the Marine lobby has gained too much influence recently.

Prominent members of the Marine community, including the Humpback Whale, Sea Lion, and notably, the Dugong, have been making quite a splash in this debate. True, several of these Marine representatives are going out of style (read: existence), but does that give them a right to recruit on dry land?

Nay. It is our position that the Marine lobby is a menace to our dry society. They will only infect our way of life with their fishy philosophies and disreputable mating habits. We must build a wall at every beach and prevent these blubbery, slimy and adorable creatures from contaminating the minds of our children.

The Body of Reagan

Mike Huckabee today criticized his opponents for the Republican party nomination, comparing them unfavorably to Ronald Reagan. He shared this well known Reagan anecdote:

"Now on the third day there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee. Reagan's mother was there, and Reagan and his disciples were also invited to the wedding. When the wine ran out, Reagan's mother said to him, 'They have no wine left.'

Reagan replied, 'Woman, why are you saying this to me? My time has not yet come.'

His mother told the servants, 'Whatever he tells you, do it.'

Now there were six stone water jars there for Jewish ceremonial washing, each holding twenty or thirty gallons. Reagan told the servants, 'Fill the water jars with water.' So they filled them up to the very top. Then he told them, 'Now draw some out and take it to the head steward,' and they did.

When the head steward tasted the water that had been turned to wine, not knowing where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), he called the bridegroom and said to him, 'Everyone serves the good wine first, and then the cheaper wine when the guests are drunk. You have kept the good wine until now!' Reagan did this as the first of his miraculous signs, in Cana of Galilee. In this way he revealed his glory, and his disciples believed in him."

Said Huckabee, "I'd like to see Mccain do that!"

A New Bent on Lent

100 Americans were polled about what they were giving up for lent this year. Their responses were lumped into the following broad categories.

Deodorant, catalyst to enlightenment?

A seven minute shower uses the same amount of water required to quench the thirsts of a classroom full of sweaty pre-schoolers after an intense match of handball.  This election season, as a seasoned infrequent showerer, I feel it is my duty as a politically active American to educate my fellow Americans about the inherent and detrimental moral, physical, environmental, emotional, mechanical, intellectual, and libidinal implications incurred from the practice of habitual showering.  In a society that is obviously suffering from the excessive indulgence the time has come to return to simplicity and clarity through the alleviation of all unnecessary practices associated with the evils of the developing modern world.  Showers are an invention, convention, and circumvention of the "united" front and the state of our nation ultimately relies on abandoning these practices.  Showering after strenuous and sweaty physical activity, when you're only going to get wet later, is not only an environmental concern, but more importantly a moral issue that can no longer be overlooked. Only in America do individuals lazily resort to warm showers and neglect to exercise alternatives that better serve humanity for those of convenience.  The Fellowship fully advocates the re-evolution of the American Moral Compass and maintains the conviction that the path to emancipation lies in the mounting of alternative bathing.

What's Up With That?!

As part of our commitment to the American way and all that is fellowly, the Fellowship of Fellows is tackling one of our nation's greatest challenges: Perplexities. Kicking off our philanthropic initiative to combat this epidemic pandemic, three of the most oppressive perplexities are up for debunking. We, as fellows, have one thing to say to you, Confusion: Ready or not, here we come! 

1. Magnets - Incredibly stubborn, magnets have solidified a reputation for themselves as increasingly difficult to reason with. Insistent on polarizing our nation, magnets have wreaked havoc. An in-depth analysis by the Fellowship of Fellows reveals their weakness: Opposites attract. Mission accomplished.

2. Delaware - The ever-elusive state, Dover certainly does not ring a bell. A wallflower, cleverly hidden in the crowded chaos that is New England, the Fellowship is the first to report suspicion of an attempted coupe by "The Small Wonder." It claims to be the first state - pffffffff. Yah right. The Blue Hen is it's state bird. 

3. 1-10 ranking schemes - This primitive scheme is a silent killer of hope. A vast constituency reports goose bumps at the thought of a 7, proud of their comfortable position well above the average, yet humbly distant from perfection. The left-brained, left-handed and left out consider 70% unbearably close to failure. This incongruence is ruining lives, tearing apart families, and responsible for America's moral decline. 

::They call it Mellow Fellow::

What is America's standing in the world?

With the war in Iraq, crisis in Afghanistan and international economic woes, many Americans are asking, "Just what is our place in the world today?". Indeed America's place in the world has never been in question as much as it is today.

A Fellowship study released today has hard data to assuage some of these concerns: America is in the same place it has been for the last century. Just north of Mexico, and south of Canada. In relation to other countries, the United States is in roughly the same position as it was during our study last year, adjusting for an almost negligible amount of continental drift.

Magnesium: Useful in the 22nd Century?

After careful deliberation at the 12th annual summit on Magnesium (hosted by the Fellowship of Fellows) the Fellowship is prepared to announce its findings:

Magnesium will not be a useful substitute for most other metals in the 22nd century.

The summit will reconvene in 2124 for future evaluations.

Fellowship: Rising or Declining?

According to the latest Fellowship Index, Fellowship appears to be on the rise.